I went to AA....

I hadn't planned on going because I had gone 37 days without at that point.


But something crazy happened with a very close family member and they needed to go, so I went with them to support them and was surprised by it. I thought it would be very religious and I am not that but it was a community of people (some who are pretty bad off and others not so much) that are working toward the same goal. I met some very nice people and I will go back. I don't know for how long but I will continue to support this person (as we all know, it is a decision that has to be done on an individual basis) and reap the benefits at the same time!


Today I am 40 days sober and loving it. I have been so present with my family and in a place of being able to be understanding and helpful rather than resentful and turning to drink because of the problems faced with my family member.


I hope you are all doing well.


<3 Jenn

Day 24

I have been absent from here for a bit. Truth is I've been struggling. I haven't given in but it's been tough. I have been mad. Arguing with my husband a lot. I think that my real feelings are staring to come out of me. I realized that before now, we would have a disagreement and I would go have a drink (or several) and then wouldn't care anymore and wouldn't remember. Now that I don't do that anymore I stand my ground on things that annoy me or I disagree with. I don't think he likes that much and I think it's hard considering I haven't told him that this is what I'm doing, he probably has no idea and thinks I'm just in bad moods all the time. Poor man! I will tell him when the time is right, it's just not right now.....


I'm on day 24 now. Tomorrow will be 1/4 of the way to 100 days. For that I am proud! I have replaced my evenings with Perrier and tea and I enjoy it. I've been exercising and eating healthier and it all feels good.


I understand that this will pass but I can see why relapse happens. It sucks to feel angry, annoyed and mad. It was much easier to go to my "happy couch corner" and not see what was going on around me as it was happening. No body said it was easy.


<3 Jenn

Media is brutal

Since I have been sober (a whole 13 days, lol) I have been maybe hypersensitive to the media attention that alcohol gets. Many radio stations are interactive with their listeners now and the one I listen to in particular has a lot of talking about booze. Just this morning, they did a call in your stories about when you saved your drink. The stories...OMG! One fell over a fire pit, resulting in 30 stitches in her knee but did not drop a bit of alcohol. Another tripped over a cat and fell through a coffee table but again, not a drop of scotch spilt. These were just a couple examples. It went on and I changed the station. It got me wondering about how many people would save their bottle of water? Or pop? I bet NO BODY!!! And I would also be willing to bet that very few people drinking water or pop would fall over a fire pit, trip over a cat or run into a tree. Don't get me wrong, I am a super klutz and it is not unlike me to trip over my own feet but I know my incidents of clumsiness went up when drinking.


My point is that there is constantly drinking stories, commercials and signs everywhere. I am hoping to find a way to cope with these as sometimes they are kinda hard to listen to. I guess I will come to terms with it and it won't be at the forefront of my head before too long.


Have a great day!


<3 Jenn

Wake up call!!!

Last Thursday I decided to start watching 28 days. I love Sandra Bullock but have never watched the movie. I wake really early for work so I only got through half, but I have a bit of a crazy story with it. I have a sibling who was married a few years ago and I was a bridesmaid. As I watched the beginning of the movie as she runs late and falls into the cake and is just a mess I thought 'Thank goodness I was not that bad!' Then this past Friday night (the next night), I was out with my cousin for dinner and she said to me,


C - Jenn, do you remember using a blotting cloth of mine and grabbing like 8 and putting them all over your face?'
Me - Yah, ha ha ha, I was so hot and oily'
(I was thinking really? did I do that?)
C - 'Yah, you were pretty drunk, hey?'
Me - Not really. I think I was just tired and hot and.....well maybe a bit drunk.


This got me thinking that I thought I remembered that night well and didn't get that drunk, but clearly I was wrong. My point is that I am lucky that I didn't land on the cake I guess and looking at my life from my sober lens is really making me realize just how bad it was even when I thought I was doing good and had control.
So maybe a bit drunk???? I guess I must have been really drunk and thank goodness they cut the cake early!


Happy Day 12 to me!


<3 Jenn

Day 7

Today is day 7! I feel really good today. I feel empowered like I can do this! I have had some definite cravings and some little voices that have said just one, you can have one! I haven't given in and that is a good feeling! I found an amazing blog called tired of thinking about drinking and I joined the 100 day challenge on there so, I'm 7% there! Seems so small but I'm excited to watch that number climb!!


That's all for today!


Happy Day 7!


Jenn <3

How did I get here and where am I going?

I have been reflecting on my life and I have been a problem drinker since I was probably 16. I had my first drink at 12. I had stumbled down stairs at 16 and by 18-19 I was puking in bed (on a couple occasions). I met my husband at 19 and we got married when I was 21 and along came my first born. It was a miracle cure for me. I barely drank. I would on a very odd weekend and sometimes would get pretty loaded, but I didn't see a problem at all. It was just fun. At 24, I had my second child and still kept strong. Didn't think about it. I drank casually and once in a while on a night out would get drunk. Now looking back, I always had a problem, I was just too busy and too broke to drink regularly. As my kids got older and more independent I got more comfortable with drinking. wine and beer (I think that by drinking these two types made me feel that I wasn't an alcoholic - after all I wasn't drinking a mickey of hard alcohol out of a paper bag). But I have been known to take one last swig out of the wine bottle in my recent years so that's just as bad, isn't it? I just did it privately. So that is a bit of the story on how I got here and where I'm going is UP!!!
I'm strong on day 6 today and am feeling pretty good right now.


I hope everyone is doing well!


Jenn <3

WARRIOR!!!

I have been reading a ton of blogs, have bought books, have done all I can over this past year especially to come to terms with this in my head. I still don't know if I'm there, but I do know that I am closer than I was yesterday and that feels good. I told one co-worker who I trust dearly (LP) about my current struggle and she was overwhelmingly supportive. She called me a WARRIOR!!! What??? A Warrior??? I guess it takes a warrior to have that inner strength to admit there is a problem and try to better it. So I feel that we are all warriors in one way or another! If you have come to read this then you might be on the same path in one way or another and are too a warrior. The battle is just beginning for me and I hope you can see an inner-warrior in yourself as well.


I have to admit that typing to the world (to no-one, to anyone) seems awfully strange - like talking to yourself - but extremely therapeutic!


So thank you world.


We got this!


<3 Jenn

The bounce...

This is my first blog...


I want to do this to be accountable to me and to the healthy life I want desperately to live. By all the internet research I've done, I'm an alcoholic! There is no other word for it (and believe me I've tried to find one!). I cannot control my alcohol intake. One is never enough. I have tried to relate to this "rock bottom" that everyone talks about and I haven't actually hit it hard but have maybe hit it several times. It doesn't mean I was found lying under a bridge or caught drunk driving (lucky me). It means that for me I have woken up with enough regrets enough times that I am now sure I no longer want this for myself. My husband who I love dearly deserves all of me. My kids (teens) deserve more than all of me. They have done nothing to deserve an alcoholic mother. Today is day zero and I commit to doing all I can to lead a healthy, happy life and to be a whole wife and mother. More of my story to come!


<3 Jenn